How to Give Sexual Feedback

How to tell your partner what you like (and don't like) about what they're doing in the bedroom

We've all been there. We're having sex and our partner (unbeknownst to them) does something that is uncomfortable, painful, or downright turns us off. And they don't mean to! In fact, they are probably a very well-meaning lover, they just don't know exactly how we like to be touched. And how can they unless they are a mind reader or we tell them, of course. So how do you give sexual feedback in a way that is gentle, non-confrontational, non-judgmental, and most of all, doesn't hurt someone you care about?

When providing sexual feedback, it's important to approach the conversation with sensitivity, respect, and a focus on improving the sexual experience for both partners. Here are some guidelines on how to give sexual feedback in a gentle, non-confrontational, and non-judgmental manner:

Choose an appropriate time and place

Choose an appropriate time and place: Find a calm and relaxed setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during or immediately after sexual activity, as it may not be the most conducive environment for open communication.

Use "I" statements

Frame your feedback using "I" statements to express your own experiences and feelings rather than making generalizations or placing blame. This approach can help avoid sounding accusatory or judgmental. For example, say "I would enjoy it if we could try..." instead of "You never do..."

Focus on positive aspects

Begin the conversation by highlighting the positive aspects of your sexual experiences together. Acknowledge what you appreciate and enjoy about your partner's efforts and actions. This sets a supportive and encouraging tone for the discussion.

Be specific and descriptive

When discussing areas for improvement or adjustments, provide specific examples and descriptions of what you would like to try or experience differently. This helps your partner understand your preferences better and provides actionable information for them to work with.

Express desires, not criticisms

Instead of criticizing or pointing out perceived deficiencies, express your desires, fantasies, or specific things you'd like to explore together. Frame your feedback in terms of what you want to experience rather than what your partner is doing wrong.

Use positive reinforcement

Offer positive reinforcement for things your partner does that you enjoy or find pleasurable. Highlight moments or actions that are particularly satisfying and express your appreciation for them. Reinforcing positive behaviors can encourage your partner to continue engaging in them.

Emphasize teamwork and collaboration

Approach the conversation as a team effort to enhance your sexual connection. Emphasize that you both have a shared goal of mutual satisfaction and fulfillment. Use inclusive language such as "we" and "us" to foster a sense of collaboration.

Encourage open dialogue

After providing your feedback, encourage your partner to share their thoughts, desires, and concerns as well. Create a safe space for them to express themselves openly without fear of judgment. Listen actively and attentively to their perspective.

Use patience and understanding

Recognize that sexual preferences and desires can vary between individuals. Be patient and understanding if your partner has different preferences or needs. It's important to find a balance that works for both of you through open communication and compromise.

Remember, communication about sexual preferences and desires should be an ongoing process. Regularly check in with each other, encourage feedback from your partner, and be open to exploring new possibilities together. By approaching the conversation with care and respect, you can create a supportive environment for growth and improvement in your sexual relationship.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.